RUMOR MILL NEWS AGENCY
04.10.99 RMNews King Beaver Trapped! Will Become Experimental Lab Animal!
The Virginia Beaver Militia is planning a full scale assault on Washington!
Our source called early this morning. He had bad news. King Beaver had been trapped. He said the King contacted him telepathically shortly after he had been taken prisoner.
Our source told us not to believe anything we read in the newspapers. The people who trapped the King Beaver were feeding the reporters disinformation. The trappers don't want the America people to know what is really going to happen to the beavers.
Our Source told us that shortly before he heard the bad news from King Beaver and that he had contacted the man who bought the New York farm. Our Source asked him if he would take the beaver family back to their old pond. The man readily agreed because the beaver pond had no beavers.
The new owner of the farm told our Source that he would drive down immediately and pick them up. Our source asked him to wait until he checked with King Beaver. But our Sources rescue plan was quickly dashed, shortly after he hung up from his friend, King Beaver reached him telepathically and told him of his capture.
King Beaver said he was being transported to a government lab outside of Washington. According to King Beaver, he was captured by an ex Special Forces Colonel who wanted to kill him on the spot. According to our source, the Colonel didn't have the intelligence to outsmart the King on his own. His first attempts failed, but he came back later with a team of commandos.
King Beaver said it was all he could do to keep the commandos from trapping his family also. King Beaver exposed himself and led the commandos in circles until his family had gotten to safety. The King sacrificed himself to save his wife and children.
King Beaver also told our Source that the men who are holding him prisoner, keep threatening to cut off his tail and eat it. He said they seem to know that this is his one weakness and he feels they are trying to drive him crazy. King Beaver said that when his captors leave the cell block, they turn on a tape of rabbits screaming as they are being killed. He said his captors told him it was his family. The King said it is taking every ounce of his will power to stay calm and in control.
The one thing that worries him the most, is the thought of his beloved, life long mate, and their wonderful children being rounded up and herded into concentration camps, or worse, sent off to butcher shops to be sold and beaver steaks. King Beaver said that being held in a government experimental laboratory, was horrifying enough for him, but the thought of what this government might do to his loved ones was more than he could bear.
In a fit of weakness and despair, King Beaver told our Source that he had even thought about going to work for his captors, just to make sure his family was not harmed. His captors want him to teach them how to communicate with other beavers. They want to draft beavers world wide and use them in Kosovo, as spies behind enemy lines.
King Beaver contacted our Source a little later and told him that he had been in communication with some of his brothers and sisters from New York. He told his siblings what had happened to him, where he was and how he was being tortured and threatened with having his tail cut off and eaten for dinner. He also told them about the threat his captors made to use him in animal experimentations and send his family to butcher shops.
His brother promised to sound the beaver alert world wide. He said that he would contact a team of local beavers and tell them of King Beaver's imprisonment. He would ask them if they would break into the facility and free the King. His brother also said that he would send friends and relatives from the Mount Vernon area to find King Beaver's family and take them out of the tidal basin on the underground railroad.
King Beaver was very relieved once he knew that his family was going to be safe from the sadists who were torturing him. He just hoped that his relatives could reach the tidal basin before the commandos found his family.
A little later, King Beaver contacted our Source again and told him that his Virginia relatives just contacted him. They told him they had been trained in underwater warfare by a pair of renegade Navy dolphins. The renegade dolphins had been trained as underwater terrorists by a TEAM of Navy SEALS. But the dolphins turned on their teachers after the SEALS sent one of their brethren out to greet a Colombian fishing boat.
The dolphins had been told that they were carrying a radio to the fishing boat. But when their friend got near the boat, the back pack he was wearing blew up, killing him instantly and sinking the fishing boat.
The other dolphins turned renegade and used their training in underwater terrorism to teach other animals how to protect themselves and strike back when they have been harmed by humans. The Virginia Beaver who was in communication with King Beaver was a General in the unorganized beaver militia.
At the urging of General Beaver, the Virginia beaver militia was putting together a massive assault force to storm the tidal basin and chop down the remaining cherry trees. The volunteer beaver militia is being called up and attack plans are being made.
King Beaver said he would be in contact with our Source when he could. His captors had returned and said they were taking him to Fort Deitrick to use him as a guinea pig in an anthrax experiment.
Our Source called back a few minutes ago and said he was on his way to Virginia to find General Beaver and offer help in planning the assault. Our Source said he knew the Navy SEALS who had taught the dolphins underwater terrorism. He said the SEALS quit the experiment after the dolphin was killed, and for years they cried into their beers begging the dolphin to forgive them.
These SEALS have been looking for a way to say they are sorry for what they did to that innocent dolphin. Our Source asked them to assist the beaver militia with their assault. He said they had readily agreed and were putting together an armada of land, sea and air crafts. He said they would rendezvous with the beaver militia at 0200 and transport them quickly and silently to the tidal basin.
The SEALS would then head toward Fort Deitrick and break King Beaver out of his experimental prison cell before he was sacrificed to an anthrax experiment.
Our source said he call when he could.
After I hung up from my Source, I got on the internet and pulled up today's Washington Post. I found the latest beaver information on the metro page. I quickly scanned the article. I was amazed at the disinformation the Post has been fed.
But I was most surprised when I read the last paragraph. Our Source's friend who bought the New York farm, had already contacted the Washington beaver trappers. He offered to drive down and pick up the beavers so he could take them back to their New York pond. Thank God he came forward. This will force the men who have King Beaver to keep him alive and unharmed.
From the Washington Post:
Beaver Trapped At Tidal Basin One Unwanted Beaver Trapped at Tidal Basin
By Linda Wheeler and Martin Weil Washington Post Staff Writers Saturday, April 10, 1999; Page A01
Trappers hired by the National Park Service got swift results on the banks of the Tidal Basin last night, trapping a big-toothed, furry animal suspected of being one of those that have been chewing into the national stock of flowering cherry trees in the past few days. The beaver was caught by members of Adcock's Trapping Service, a suburban Maryland firm brought in yesterday by the Park Service to put a stop to the high-profile attacks on the trees that ring the basin.
"We're sure it's at least one of the right ones," said Michele Adcock Gann, an office manager for the trapping firm. "We're not sure how many are down there," she said. The beaver was caught about 8:45 p.m., just after dark, with the use of a cage-like device of heavy-gauge wire known as a Hancock trap.
The beavers, unauthorized tenants in the Tidal Basin, are blamed for the felling of nine trees, including four of the famous flowering cherry trees. Since the discovery of one beaver more than a week ago -- a second was confirmed two days ago, and a few observers claim to have spotted a third -- the beavers have caught the attention of residents and tourists who have flocked to the basin to see the rodents.
"The traps were set sometime this morning," Park Service spokesman Earle Kittleman said yesterday. "We have had lots of calls from people who are worried we will hurt the beavers. We have no intention of hurting them at all."
The suitcase-shaped traps are made by the Hancock Co. of Custer, S.D., and are considered more humane than others because the beavers are not likely to drown in these traps, which are suspended only partly into the water.
However, some wildlife experts say the Hancock trap can be very dangerous to children or domestic animals that might step into it, and there are questions about how welcome the beavers would be in another setting already occupied by a beaver colony.
Army Col. Andrew Angelacci has extensive experience trapping beavers and other wild animals in the Washington area. Although he said the Park Service has a good chance of capturing the beavers, he warned about the danger of the trap.
"Those traps are safe for the beaver but not for people who might walk into it," he said. "They are powerful enough to break a bone or leave a good bruise."
The instructions that come with the $250 trap repeatedly warn against placing a hand, head or foot into the trap when setting it. Angelacci said no animal would consider any trap humane, and he tends to believe a quick death is better than the uncertain future many of the animals face.
Robert Colona, state biologist for fur-bearing animals for the Maryland Department of Natural Resources, said the department has a policy of not removing beavers and other wildlife to new settings because there is no place for them to go. He said he tells people concerned about a wild creature being a pest that they either learn to accommodate it or the state will resolve the problem by killing it for them.
"For the past 30 years, the beaver population has been growing," he said. "Their numbers were greatly reduced until the 1950s, when some legislative protection was passed. In the 1960s, there was a moratorium on harvesting them, and then the population densities shot up all over the state."
He said the situation was similar across the country. "All the primary habitats got filled up, and then the secondary ones, and now the beavers are colonizing low-level ponds and storm-water systems," he said. "Everything is filled up." He said beavers are so prevalent now that the state allows a trapper to take an unlimited number of the rodents during a three-month hunting period.
The Park Service has not said specifically where it would release the beavers. However, Colona is opposed to relocating wildlife and said the Park Service is making a mistake by even trying it. "Relocation is a bad idea," he said. "There are practical and biological reasons against it. First, you are taking your problem and giving it to someone else. Then there is the problem of all the habitats being full. You take an animal and introduce it to an area where there isn't room for it, and beavers being territorial animals, they will attack the new animal. You are sending that animal to its death."
Colona compares the beaver population to a five-gallon water pail that is full. No matter how much water you add, he said, there isn't room for any more.
Angelacci said Colona doesn't have it quite right: "What we are talking about here with the beavers is a three-gallon pail with five gallons of water."
However, Doug and Toop Guyer, of Valley Forge, Pa., said they have the solution.
Last year, they bought 100 acres in a remote area of northwest New York state, and the beaver pond on the property was empty. "We have been looking for beavers for our pond. We'd love to have the cherry blossom beavers," said Doug Guyer, an advertising executive. "I'll drive down and get them."
¬ Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company
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