You will eat ze bugs, and ze rats, and you vill like it!!

~NightSky

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By Simon Black, Sovereign Man

In a world brimming with bewildering headlines, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.

“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take on where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and legislation.
May 12, 2030: New York City Announces Gourmet Solution to its Rat Infestation

New York City appointed its first Rat Czar seven years ago, back in 2023, when the city’s rat population had grown out of control.

Most experts at the time agreed that New York’s alarming rat infestation was a result of pandemic policies which forced everyone— including animal control workers— to remain at home for months.

Since then, the Rat Czars’ policies have all focused on fixing the problem by influencing human behavior.

They started with strict controls on trash disposal. Later, the czars introduced cleanliness mandates for private residences, and they empowered the newly-created Rat Department to conduct random inspections of people’s homes.

Violators are subject to fines and Civil Asset Forfeiture, the proceeds of which all go directly to the Rat Department. Last year the Rat Department collected record fines after its controversial “Rat Out Your Neighbor” campaign.

But despite these efforts, the rat infestation has continued to surge, and rats are now a major fixture in the daily lives of nearly every New Yorker. In fact the city government recently announced that NYC has passed a grim milestone— the rat population now exceeds the human population.

Environmental activists, however, saw this as an opportunity to team up with the Rat Department, to help take a bite out of climate change.

Partnering with the World Economic Forum (WEF), the Rat Department will start fighting the infestation by encouraging New Yorkers to consume rat as part of their normal diet. They’ve even designed a new marketing campaign to de-stigmatize the human consumption of rat meat.

The 92-year old head of the WEF, Klaus Schwab, commented, “Elected officials in New York City have been leaders in passing laws to reduce beef consumption, the farming of which is a huge contributor to climate change. Now, if New Yorkers can replace what little beef they do consume with rat, their population will decline, and the earth will heal.”

He then added, “I meant the rat population, of course.”

One ad uses social media influencers to portray rat meat as a chic, luxury food item. Another points out that lobster was also once considered disgusting filth and only fit for prisoners to eat.

The campaign will also include pop-up sidewalk grills throughout the city, where Michelin-rated chefs will encourage New Yorkers to try their gourmet rat-fare.

Swedish Prime Minister Greta Thunberg was among the first to applaud the move, saying, “People got used to the idea of eating bugs. I think they will come around to the idea of eating rats soon enough.”

May 12, 2032: US Treasury Announces First Yuan-Denominated Bond

Ever since last year’s default on the $52 trillion national debt, the US government has been unable to sell bonds and borrow money from international capital markets.

This morning, however, the Treasury Department announced a return to the global financial community with a brand new US government debt security that will be denominated in Chinese yuan.