Researchers: Hitler’s Grave Found Outside of Sierra City, CA
By Randall "fink" Finklelstein
Broad Street Beacon

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Sierra City, CA — After recent revelations that Hitler may not have committed suicide inside his Berlin bunker in April of 1945, a crack team of anthropologists and archaeologists from Brigham Young and Southern Methodist Universities set out to find Hitler’s grave. The team, fresh off its recent amazing discoveries in Nevada City, CA and Lake Tahoe, have been studying recently declassified FBI documents since the summer of 2014 when the Obama administration released the controversial documents to the public.

“We were just as shocked as everybody else when the President released these redacted documents,” said lead SMU anthropologist and group representative Henry “Hank” Starnes, Ph.D. on the archaeological team that made the discovery. “It was clear from the initial documents that Hitler made his way from Tempelhof [airport] in Berlin to Spain where he got on a U-boat and headed for Argentina. That’s the low hanging fruit of this investigation. It’s what happened after he arrived in Argentina where it gets curious.”

Biblical Researches Get to Work

According to the BYU/SMU researchers, most efforts have been focused on various towns and cities in the interior of the South American country which was known to harbor Nazi sympathizers. But according to Dr. Starnes, this is where it gets very complicated and somewhat disturbing.

“You have to understand the kind of environment Hitler was operating in,” continued Dr. Starnes. “He had to have known that the ‘Soviets got ’em’ thing was not going to last. And it was clear from these FBI documents that our government knew he wasn’t dead. So why would Hitler stay in the exact place where the Allies would look first. I mean, Hitler was a monster, but he was no dummy. So the best place for him to hide would be right under the noses of the people who were looking for him. And that place was the United States.”

There is some debate about the exact location of Hitler’s last days between the BYU and the SMU teams. The BYU team maintains that Hitler spent his final days in the lodge along Lake MacDonald in Montana’s Glacier National Park. There according to Professor Smithson of BYU, under the name of William Coates, Adolf Hitler lead a quiet and bucolic life until his death in sometime around 1998 [NW comment: If true, Hitler would have died at the age of 108 or 109, as he was born in 1889]. However, the SMU team maintains that he split his time between Sierra City and Montana, preferring to “keep moving.”

“Dr. Smithson is pretty adamant about this whole Montana thing,” said Dr. Starnes removing his cap and scratching his head. “And there’s a wealth of information to support that. Tons that anyone can Google. And we actually agree with it. Where we disagree, is that we believe he spent his summers in Sierra County and traveled back and forth to evade detection. Staying in one place was too risky for the world’s most wanted man.”

What Did They Really Discover?

The Starnes team have claimed to have uncovered a grave just outside the small, quaint town of Sierra City, CA along the shores of Sardine Lake. According to Dr. Starnes, Hitler kept his “summer retreat” in a cabin alongside the popular tourist destination. And like the Rocky Mountains of Glacier National Park, the Sierra Buttes reminded him of the Bavarian Alps in the summertime.

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“You wouldn’t believe the amount of trouble we got in trying to research this,” said Dr. Smithson smirking at Professor Starnes. “I mean, no one would talk to us. Not in Sierra City nor up around the lakes. Every time we’d start asking questions, people would either just laugh at us or get very irritated with us. Especially some of the old timers who told us on several occasions to ‘get lost and mind our own business.’ So after a while, I was ready to give up on Sierra County. That is until Hank talked to Joe Kruger at Salmon Lake. That changed everything.”

Joe Kruger was an elderly man of 80 years when the SMU team interviewed him at the Salmon Lake Lodge, just a few miles away from Sardine Lake. According to the Dr. Starnes, Mr. Kruger claimed to be William Coates’ personal attendant in the 1960s.

“Mr. Kruger spoke fluent German and claimed to be the personal servant of a ‘William Coates’ during the summers from 1962 through 1968,” continued Dr. Starnes. “He would prepare his cabin for him and make sure it was well-stocked with various stomach medicines because Coates had serious ulcers and other GI tract issues. He said that Mr. Coates didn’t speak often to him, but said he was a pleasant German man who reminded him of his father. It was Joe who pointed out Hitler’s grave to us.”