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WAR ON DEATH

Posted By: Nemesis
Date: Saturday, 18-Apr-2020 13:38:50
www.rumormill.news/144888

Between 1970 and 2016 Planned Parenthood helped eliminate over forty six million potential lawyers, politicians and used car salesmen, but, thankfully, only three plumbers.

“Birth is the leading cause of death,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis Johnson. “To win the war on death we have to stop the cause, which is seedy motels, back seats, Spring Break and Summer.

According to world sex expert, Dr. Ruth, more than 100 trillion humans were a non issue, yesterday, because of premature ejaculation, which, according to a secret White House recording, really pissed off Planned Parenthood stockholders.

The Executive Director of the Federated Funeral Directors of America, Fabrice Moriaux, encourages everyone to practice safe death, because “...we can only box, bury or burn three million people a year before we have to rack ‘em and stack ‘em in warehouses. Moriaux went on to say, “We can win the war on death, but seriously, why would I want to?”

CURRENT MORTALITY STATISTICS:

Autoerotic (sex-play) Asphyxiation Kills 600 people annually
Left-Handers Using Right-Handed Products 1,200 people per year.
Texting while driving kills 6,000 people per year
Choking On Hotdogs kills 45 people per year.
Roller Coasters kill 4 people per year


Vending machine abuse kills 13 people per year
Ants kill 30 people per year
Dogs kill 34 people per year in the U.S.
Jellyfish kill 30 people per year
Icicles kill 100 people per year

OTHER CAUSES OF DEATH

Cancer, 599,274.
Accidents/unintentional injuries, 167,127.
Chronic lower respiratory diseases, 159,486.
Cerebrovascular diseases, 147,810.
Alzheimer disease, 122,019.
Diabetes, 84,946.
Influenza and pneumonia, 59,120.
Kidney disease, 51,386.
Suicide, 48,344.
Papercuts, 12
(don’t screw with my statistics).





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