I hate to be a spoil-sport, but the Truth must be told.
-NW

Millions Of Small Businesses Stunned To Learn They Are Ineligible For Bailout Loans As Part Of The SBA's Paycheck Protection Program
Zero Hedge | April 3, 2020

[snip]

It's the first day that America's small businesses can apply for the SBA's Paycheck Protection Program, i.e., the $350BN program that is part of the bigger $2 trillion bailout package designed to provide small businesses access to capital for payroll and other overhead costs to the tune of 2.5 months of average payroll and which must be accessed via an existing banking relationship - and the rollout is predictably a mess...

...But a recurring shock as millions of small business owners head to these bank websites to apply for the PPP funds is that contrary to the SBA's guidance that any small business with 500 or less employees can apply, going to lender portals shows that only a very narrow subset of America's millions in small businesses are be eligible.

In fact, only those companies that already have a lending relationship, i.e., an outstanding loan with a given bank are - at least as of this moment - able to apply for the rescue funds.

Bank of America's website confirms as much, stating on its eligibility page that only "clients with a business lending and a business deposit relationship at Bank of America are eligible to apply for a Paycheck Protection Program through our bank." In other words, any business that only has a deposit account and no loan or business card is out of luck.

And the kicker, literally, for those BofA clients who would like to become eligible and open a business loan account, well it's too late: as the bank makes clear, this should have happened as of Feb 15.