CHILDREN, PAY ATTENTION NOW: TODAY'S LESSON IS 'IDENTITY THEFT'. Can we all say it? I-den-titty-theft. That is when someone steals your iden-titty. That is bad for you. But never fear, the Federal Government is going to PROTECT you from this horrible crime just like it protects you from all those other horrible crimes like marijuana smoking and income tax evasion. And they are going to do it by taking your god-given human identity away from you FIRST! Now, isn't that special?!

They will replace it with an absolutely government certified, artificial iden-titty they call a Social Security Number that matches a Drivers License with your picture on it, AND restrict your access to the medium of exchange by making you use your 'thumbprint'. Got that?

Then you will be safe from this terrible crime of 'IDEN-TITTY THEFT' which will surely make your life miserable otherwise (just like smoking marijuana and income tax evasion does). Any questions?

Yes, Esclarmonde, what is it?

"Uh, you can have mine."

Have your what?

'My artificial Iden-titty.'

My word, child, why would I want it?

"Well, you could give it to one of those immigrants that are so desperate to be part of our system and steal my Social Security...since it doesn't exist anyway...and even if it does, I don't want it and will never apply for it. This way, they can have mine. They won't have to steal to get it and I won't have to be worried about it. And the Federal Government won't have to waste its time protecting me from it."

...well, you can't do that!

"Why?"

Because without an Iden-titty, no one will know who you are.

"But I have an identity. I'm ME."

Where are your papers?

"Well, here is today's New York Times, if you'd care to read it. Don't need it back. Never tells the truth anyway. Or would you rather have my roll of toilet paper? I'd be happy to share. Only used it once."

No,no... I mean your drivers license, your SS card. Where are those?

"BOTH Social Security and Drivers Licenses ARE VOLUNTARY by LAW, just like paying taxes. ALL Voluntary! (Didn't you know that?)After all, I think I should give my Artificial Identity to somebody who REALLY wants to do those things!"

Well, don't expect us to take care of you.

"I do not, anymore than my grandfather before me."

(harumph...) We aren't going to pay your welfare, or pave your roads, or protect you from crime.

"Thank you. That is most kind of you!! I'm leaving now and I'm putting my SS Card and my Drivers License in the box here by the door. Maybe you can give it to some deserving Mexican."

But, how will anyone know who you are?

"By reading my heart."

Don't be foolish. No one can read your heart.

"Really, Teacher? Then how come I can read yours?"

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...just 'taking the Fifth'...Fifth Dimension, that is, and vibrating out of here!
Just one of the 15 million Hundredth Monkeys who can't take it seriously anymore,
Esclarmonde