William Jefferson Clinton did not get where he is today by boffing secretaries. He's got an uncanny knack for turning liabilities into assets. I suspect his revealed sexual escapades have only made him more popular among certain sectors of the public.

And he's a masterful public relations artist. On the eve of the Congressional impeachment proceeedings the front pages of US papers bore a picture of Clinton with the Pope! Note also how he recently distanced himself from his own administration's failed attempt to use Wen Ho Lee as a scapegoat He's so slick nobody detected the marbles in his mouth.

As for war with Iraq, and a worsening oil crisis, I don't see Slick Willie in any double-bind. First of all, the man simply loves to bomb. Maybe it's what he fantasizes about when he's exercising Willard. And I'd bet right now he's got his own operatives leaking word to Saddam that he can go ahead and invade Kuwait; that a peaceful settlement trading withdrawal for an end to the sanctions against Iraq will be on the table by breakfast.

Nothing galvanizes America to stand behind its president like a war. Bill can easily cajole the public into being grateful to pay $3.50 a gallon at the pumps by pointing out that Saddam created the crisis in the first place--as long as CNN gives us hourly footage of smart bombs and wrecked Iraqi tanks with gaunt blackened figures lying in the sand. It isn't our sand. They aren't our people.

It would also derail the Russian timetable.

And it would guarantee a Gore/Rabbi victory at the polls. A war would fatally cripple Dubya's freedom to snipe at the current administration. His best tactic would be a zipped lip, which would keep him a few points behind Gore and ensure the election isn't a total wipeout.

If W. opens up, he'll quickly earn the title of Disloyal American In A Time of Crisis. And given his penchant for occasionally sounding like someone coming down off an amphetamine jag, he'll probably blurt out something stupid like "This isn't turning out like my Daddy planned it." Next day, Gore will have a cordial, well-covered lunch with Jerry Falwell. The elephant will die, and the world will understand why the Bush family never made any money off of oil.

Film at eleven.