[Past] NewsFlash from Jewish Independent Press:
[My comments in square brackets.TRB]
4th July 1997

(c) 1997 Hebrew Controlled Press

PATHFINDER LANDED ON MARS

For America, the 4th of July has always been remembered as a great day to celebrate their independance (independence from what?). Now, our great race has managed not only to equal this achievement, but to surpass it in its greatness. As we all know, Israeli scientists have financed, organised and managed to send a space probe to Mars which landed on July 4th.

The first great action of our heros was to raise the Star of David on the surface of the Mars. But the real reason for this expensive mission was disclosed during a press conference in Jerusalem.

Abram Goldstein, famous author of the book, "How Germany Survived", claimed that during the last days of WW2, many tons of Nazi gold were transported to a secret location at the South Pole and from there via special space ships to Mars. In the meantime, we all know that Hitler and Bormann did not die during the bombing of Berlin, but rather escaped to the South Pole and joined one of these Nazi gold transports to Mars. [Not so with Hitler. He (or his “clone” that just happened to be the same age) ended up in Northern California in the early 1960s practicing medicine and died in Southern California in the mid 1970s.--TRB]

Our main job on Mars is to find this hidden gold, kill all of the Nazis there and return with what is calculated to be about 350 tons of gold which was taken from our six million [sic] gassed brothers and sisters. Many tons of it came right out of their mouths in form of gold tooth fillings, which has now been calculated to be about one pound of gold in each Jew's mouth. [Hummm...a pound of gold in each Jew’s mouth in a country where it took a wheelbarrel full of German marks just to buy a loaf of bread?--TRB] This is the reason that Jews were transported by railcar, you see, with so much gold in their teeth, they were too heavy to be transported any other way! [What a bizarre statement!--TRB]

One journalist, however, pressed Mr. Goldstein for details on the tooth gold and said: If Mr. Goldstein's sayings are true, then by his mathematical calculations, each Jew in Europe must have had about one pound (half a kilogram) [sic] of gold in his mouth. After these words, a tumult broke out and many of his collegues cried "anti-Semite". The journalist was wisked away by the police and was forced to leave the country within 24 hours.

A spokesman for Goldstein said, "We don't want anybody around who could threaten the success of our gold digging and fact finding mission on Mars. Addressed by another journalist on the subject of how many Nazis he hoped to find on Mars, Goldstein replied cynically, "many", as Hitler was also engaged in cloning. Goldstein added: "We expect many little Hitlers running around on Mars. They have become very cheeky, these Nazis," he added. Lately they have have started to erect buildings and structures which we even can observe on earth. They even built a structure on the surface which resembles the face of Jesus and this must be stopped. This cheekiness and mocking of Jehovah could not be tolerated anymore and so we had to act."

(c) 1997 Hebrew Controlled Press