March 6, 2018

CERN Suffers MASSIVE Explosion

Last Tuesday, an experiment gone awry killed three scientists and caused catastrophic damage to the planet’s largest super-collider, known as project CERN, a nefarious coalition of politically controlled scientists eager to subvert scientific achievements in the name of furthering ominous ventures that threaten humanity.

Dr. Ravi Mutnaj, a New Delhi based physicist formerly attached to CERN, said the incident occurred when scientists tried to enhance the collider’s magnetic coils by adding an additional eighteen hundred super magnets to the existing ninety-six hundred. The combined pull of the magnets, in conjunction with nine thousand filaments of magnetized cable, generate a force over 100,000 times more powerful than the gravitational pull of Earth. Dr. Mutnaj said the accident occurred as the scientists attempted to create an interdiminsial gateway—or portal—to a parallel universe. As protons fired across a seventeen-mile circular track six hundred feet beneath the ground, he said, temperatures rose to unprecedented levels, which caused a cascading system failure and a detonation that instantly obliterated a five mile stretch of the track and incinerated the trio of scientists working on the project.

“There was massive damage to the hadron collider,” Dr. Mutnaj said. “For now, CERN is effectively shut down. From what I hear, it will take at least seven months to repair the damaged section. These people are devious and despite the loss of life, humanity is better off with CERN offline. To create their portal, they wanted to accelerate and collide three beams of ions.”

SNIP