Dear Barbara,
We can hear your pain and your fear being smothered by your courage. And since you have posted it here, it invites a response. I have some 'help' for you. But it may not be the help you are looking for. Still...could it be the help you need? Only YOU can know that.
Most all of us who have chosen the path towards Awareness have had to walk the 'Way of Incredible Odds Against Us'. That road, on the surface at least, appears to be full of dangerous potholes. Some so large that a person often gets lost within them...for awhile. But somehow we always find our way out. You will find yours too. How can I possibly know this? Because I too had to learn to stop 'reaching out' and start 'reaching in'.
Because this aching 'place' inside of us has been 'covered over' with the programmed Idea of Religious Hell, we have not realized that within lies the strength and the power to create EVERYTHING we need ALL of the time.
Instead we keep listening (dutifully) to the programmed language of 'lack' and because we believe in it, it manifests over and over again in our lives. Thus the Controllers continually HOLD us in their power.
There is a way out of it all, and it is such a simple thing that we dismiss it almost without thinking...but then we have been subtly programmed to dismiss it in this manner. Still, against the inertia that so demands it NOT be said, I offer it here encouraged by your own courage to reveal yourself on these pages:
Sit quietly and let mind focus on some physical aspect of your body self: Big Toe will do nicely if you don't have a pain somewhere. (Pain works the best because it is easy to focus on...and you get to 'cure' it in the process.) Okay, INTEND to focus on Big Toe until you can feel your pulse in it. As you attempt to do this, begin to note all the arguments put up by your Idea Self. "How stupid", it will tell you. "Why am I doing this?" it will say. That is your programmed Mind, the one that is CONTROLLED by THEM. It is the one that also constantly reaffirms your LACK. Most of us are addicted to that Mindset because it is where we 'feel ourselves to be'. If forces us to live in Story over and over. But we didn't write that Story; THE CONTROLLERS did. By reacting to the LACK THEY have defined for us, we are constantly REAFFIRMING THEIR VERSION OF REALITY...THE BIG LIE!
When we stop the Roof Brain Chatter that has been programmed into Mind by focusing INTENTLY on some physical sensation from our body self, we are WALKING right out the doorway of THEIR Story and into the Source of our Being. From there, with a little practice, we begin to OWN our own Mind. Then we can begin to CREATE OUR OWN STORY exactly the way we want to...including leaving THEM out of it. This is exactly what they are so afraid of.
WE HAVE THAT POWER, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. But we each must go get it within ourselves and that takes DOING... And DOING takes STOPPING their programmed STORY about our Limitations. I believe it is the Course in Miracles that said: "Argue for Your Limitations and They are Yours." Everytime we say we need 'help' because we don't have 'this or that', we are ARGUING FOR THE LIMITATION OF LACK. Thus we get it. And the Controllers then say, 'see...we told you so.' And we believe it, thus CREATING it in our lives.
There is one other thing I'd like to mention: If you find that your FEAR won't let you do this or anything else, consider yourself VERY lucky because you have the Perfect Doorway out. My fear overwhelmed me to the point of illness. Then one day, I turned my mind directly into the FEAR Sensation itself: And I said, "Come get me, you bastard. You wanna kill me, do it. I just don't care anymore cause I'm not gonna sit here and feel like this forever! Come on...here I am..." And suddenly, and quite surprisingly, Mind took off and went flying! I was stunned and thrilled. It was so much fun, I began to do it at the slightest sensation of Fear. It was like I had lit a fire under the programmed 'dross' that was my mental closet. Before I knew it, I was burning out the 'me garbage'...big time. Limitations were 'flying' out the door. And before long I began to learn the REAL Power that is Mind.
I fully realize that my comments 'invite great criticism'. The egoic Mind cannot tolerate that it might be replaced by its Source. And most of us LIVE in THAT Mind, the ONE THEY have given us. It will fight mightily to overcome any suggestion to this idea. It has been PROGRAMMED TO DO THIS! It is how they have turned us into 'consumers'. That is ALL WE ARE in THEIR Story. I fully realize this, having had to endure it within my self. It is offered here only because I heard your pain and KNOW from my own experience where the way out lies. This is only a road sign, however. The Path must be trod by each of us independently. You just sound like someone ready to realize your own perfection...your connection to your Source Beingness. The wise Grandfather, Fools Crow, called it 'Becoming the Hollowbone'. It is what we are ALL meant to be.
With great respect for your process,
Esclarmonde
