this is the funniest thing ive read in a long time. thank you for lightening my day

: Presidential Debate Transcript

: Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between
: Vice
: President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have
: agreed on
: these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore
: the question
: and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided
: women

: voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by
: trying to
: frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's
: time has
: expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew
: incomprehensible
: statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice
: president.
: Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen
: and then tell
: us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common
: sense?

: Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly
: made love the
: way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid
: marriage, the
: downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent
: wants to cut
: taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other
: hand, want
: to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they
: can't hurt
: old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
: Mrs.
: Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by
: one, to pay for
: gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify
: problems for
: me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

: Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

: Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
: people, crying
: with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity
: exists. I
: want to empower those crying people to make their own
: decisions, unlike my
: opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

: Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan
: Milosevic
: were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia,
: would you be able to pronounce his name?

: Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with
: that guy and
: didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do
: about that
: guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick
: would
: present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then
: Dick would
: tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I
: have to
: make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're
: going to
: deal with New Mexico.

: Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

: Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly
: interested
: in. I
: served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim
: of poison
: gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian
: War. And
: when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to
: Tipper in a
: way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm
: entrusted
: with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably
: with any
: threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad
: lockbox.
: Because the American people deserve a president who can
: comfort them with
: simple metaphors.

: Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social
: Security
: system?

: Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I
: have
: proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give
: $50,000 to
: every senior citizen without having it cost the federal
: treasury a single
: penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60
: trillion
: over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens
: can have
: drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal
: employee who
: will also help them with the child-proof cap.

: Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

: Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas,
: I have to
: do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide
: whether I'm
: going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit
: funds to
: reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

: Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

: Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
: politician, but I
: will fight for the working families of America, in addition to
: turning the
: White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and
: me.

: Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by
: electing no
: one but Republicans.

: Lehrer: Good night.

: ----- End forwarded message -----