The Thrill Report #081898 The Strange Sonicare Caper

I like my Sonicare Toothbrush. The first time I brushed my teeth with it, I felt like I had a tiger by the tail. It was a wild ride. It tickled so much I was laughing and foaming at the mouth. I was staying with my friend who also had one. That’s how I got the idea to buy one for myself. I thought it was so cool the way my friend walked around buzzing her teeth with that slick white wand. I just had to have one too.

Not cheap. A hundred dollars, but I was flush at the time, so I didn’t worry about it. I got it home, read the instructions, and took my first test drive. As I said, it was a wild ride. I noticed that I liked brushing my teeth. I liked the tickle. I felt giddy every time I brushed. I was hooked immediately.

I traveled a lot. Now I traveled with my Hydroflosser and my Sonicare Toothbrush with an electric charger base. I needed a small suitcase just for my tooth care paraphernalia. No more camping for me, I needed electricity.

Things went on like this for some time. Every year I got my teeth cleaned and the dental technician told me, “Just keep doing what you’ve been doing.” I did.

But something happened that started me wondering about my toothbrush. It was the night before Thanksgiving (1997). I was due to be in San Rafael for dinner with my "best friends" the following day. They were expecting me. It was a five hour drive from Mt. Shasta. I don't know why but I did not want to go. In fact, I didn’t want to go so much that I cried myself to sleep worrying about it. It baffled me. I felt like I "had" to go. Like there was some strange kind of obligation involved. It was perplexing. These were "friends". It was as if I was being forced to go against my will. It was too bizarre. I finally fell asleep sometime after three in the morning. The alarm went off at six.

“No,” I said when I woke up, “I’m not going to go!” That was it. I had decided.

Once I decided, I called the house/animal sitter and cancelled. I felt free, almost akin to a "reprieve". I called my other "best friend" at whose house I was going to stay and told her I wasn’t coming. For some reason I didn’t want to talk to my "friends" who were hosting the dinner, especially the man.

Now I had the whole day to myself. I felt like a had just received a present. A Whole Day! Everyone expected me to be gone. No one would call me. No one would drop in. I had the feeling of a "free zone". I could work on my projects without interruption. (The "projects" had to do with my research into why the world had turned into The Mean Planet.)

I was in the living room working quietly when suddenly a terrible sound startled me. My dog was freaked out. It was so loud it was frightening. I got up and started walking slowly toward the sound which was coming from the bathroom, inside the medicine cabinet! I opened the cabinet and there was my Sonicare Toothbrush making a horrible racket. It had turned itself on and was vibrating against the plastic brush cover. That's what was causing the sound. I was amazed. How in the world had it turned itself on? I wondered. Puzzled, I turned it off and went back to the living room.

Soon it went off again. I ran for it and turned it off. This time I brought it into the living room with me. It went off again and again. I took the plastic cap off and eliminated the noise but it was a big mystery how it was turning itself on. After awhile I just unscrewed it. The whole situation lasted about an hour. It was very strange.

I did make a note of the fact that I would have been on the highway with my toothbrush about the time it went off.

I didn't think much about it until I decided to report this malfunction to the company. They were quite pleasant about it and said they would send me a new one. They asked me to return the old one in the same box when the new one arrived. I was not able to return it immediately and that started a series of phone calls to me by the company. They called everyday, sometimes twice a day. By this time many other odd things were happening and I became suspicious of this overly aggressive attitude toward my faulty self-activating toothbrush. I decided I was not going to return it.

I used my new one. When I went north, into Canada, I discovered another strange behavior pattern with my Sonicare Toothbrush. It developed "gateways", three of them, similar to a modem. When I turned it on, as I brushed, it would go for a bit, then switch to another "level", go for a bit, then switch to a third "level". I'm a very intuitive type and I got to chanting "Monsanto" after the third gateway. It was eerie. It was also humorous. Foaming at the mouth chanting "Moooonnnn saaaaaannnnnn tooooooo." Sort of Buddhist-like.

In a world full of conspiracies, even a toothbrush is suspect. Anyone have any ideas how a sonic toothbrush might be used clandestinely?

Jana Janus The Rogue Butterfly Scribe in the Ancient Language of Thrill